10-Year-Old Learns To Grieve With Aid Of Hospice And Dog

By Melissa Roberts Weidman

Michaela Smith of Falmouth is a charming and energetic 10-year-old girl with bright eyes and a warm manner. Nothing about her reveals the fact that her mother died suddenly and unexpectedly in 2002, when Michaela was just 4 years old. The resulting trauma to the family, which includes her father, Curtis Smith, and two sisters, Julie and Megan, aged 12 and 15 at the time, has given Michaela experience beyond her years. She has been working with Jane Beatty, child and adolescent counselor with Kids Grieve Too®, a program founded over a decade ago by Hospice & Palliative Care of Cape Cod, the only freestanding nonprofit hospice specialist on the Cape. In the three years since she has been working with Ms. Beatty, Michaela has learned  a lot about how to process grief. Michaela asked to be interviewed because she is eager to share her learning with other children experiencing the loss of a family member or close friend.

I meet with Michaela in the sunny and colorful Kids Grieve Too® office on Main Street in Falmouth. A curtain of bright flowers hangs in the doorway, parting to reveal a cheerful room full of art materials, books, stuffed animals, and clay, all part of the multi-sensory therapy Ms. Beatty uses to help children express themselves. But Michaela is most eager to introduce me to her favorite therapy partner, Ms. Beatty’s assistant, Murphy Dog, a fuzzy Alaskan shepherd/ border collie mix. He responds warmly to Michaela’s embrace, and they snuggle together on the big pillow that serves as Murphy’s office corner.

“When I’m sad, he makes me have a smile on my face just by looking at me,” Michaela said. “Murphy understands me.”

Ms. Beatty said, “Animal therapy is a terrific tool for working with grieving children. As a certified therapy dog, Murphy is trained to be especially responsive to their energy and gently give them his full attention. Something they may feel shy about saying to a new adult can come out more comfortably with a well-trained animal like Murphy. I tell them the true story of how he lost his mother when he was a puppy. They see that he can still wag his tail and show affection, which reminds them that they have gone on to be happy themselves, despite their loss.”

Michaela spontaneously sings me a beautiful song she wrote that ends with the words “she died.” Then she shows me a drawing she made of three figures. One is happy, one sad, and the third is an intense whirl of colors she calls “angry.”

 “All three emotions are a healthy and needed part of grief,” Ms. Beatty said. “It’s important to give kids a variety of creative ways to express them all.”

Michaela said, “Jane helps me get my feelings out through singing and drawing. She knows that I’ve been through a lot.”

Michaela has been through a lot indeed, not just because of her mother’s loss. Her 21-year-old sister is mentally impaired, so “I have to be older, because she acts like she’s five years old. It forced me to grow up fast with too much responsibility.”  Michaela works with Ms. Beatty in private sessions every two weeks, and has also attended groups for children with similar losses. “I like the groups because it makes me feel like I’m not the only one. We talk about how we feel and just have fun.”  Ms. Beatty underscores the importance of the private sessions because “with all that’s going on in the family, it’s rare for Michaela to feel like she has time to be heard just for herself.”

Curtis Smith, Michaela’s father, says Kids Grieve Too® has “opened her up, given her a place to express her feelings. It’s helped me a lot, too, because being a single dad of three girls who’ve lost their mother is a big challenge.” Mr. Smith has also participated in parents groups that ran concurrently with the children’s groups.

Ms. Beatty advises other families coping with loss “not to be on a timeline. The loose guideline is that the first three months are mostly a time of shock, and it takes a minimum of a year, going through first birthdays and holidays, before the most intense phase subsides. But it can be different for different people, and without having opportunities to process the grief, it can become what we call ‘complicated’ grieving, which takes a lot longer and is more difficult to work past.”

Michaela, herself, has words to the wise for others in a similar place. “If your parent has died, try to go through it and talk all your feelings out and life will get easier. First you’re sad, then angry, then happy, but it takes a long time. You can’t rush through it; you have to be patient. Just hang in there and don’t give up.”

With these words she jumps up from the table, hugs Murphy and heads out with her dad. But just before she gets to the door, one more thought pops in to her head, which she turns to share with me. “I’ve learned from this experience that life is what matters.”

(Melissa Roberts Weidman is Director of Communications for Hospice & Palliative Care of Cape Cod.)

as reported in the Falmouth, Sandwich, Bourne and Mashpee Enterprise - 4/24/07